Letting go of passed-by thought patterns and maybe old trauma you have no idea you are still carrying with you since many years can be tricky. If by chance, maybe in meditation, you get a glimpse of how things are in your life, you could possibly become more aware of the situation. Another chance might be when someone close to you gives some clues to your life puzzle. Are you repeating yourself? I for one can see myself weaving the old pattern again and again.
I always seem to have to take care of someone, be it a child or some animal. What would I do if I was all independent, free to do “anything”? I recently got closer to that situation. One of my teenagers moved out for school. That was unexpected and rather unpleasant at first. I felt ignored and powerless. I’ve been sleeping extra hours; eating popcorn or -sometimes- nothing for dinner, when I’ve felt like it. I’ve stayed out to go to cinema, even when I was feeling exhausted from my -rather light- job. All in all, I’ve now grown to expect and even look forward to the lonely moments in my day. How long will I feel the novelty of this state of things? Where will it end? In frustration, seeking yet some other form of engaging in service of someone or -thing? In finding something else, something new I had never thought I’d reach out to? I can’t wait to see what’s behind the corner.
Or is this another way of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side? Something that guarantees that I’ll never be happy with what I have, instead thinking I should be doing something else; managing greater things; fighting for bigger causes than I currently am. Discontent may be what’s driving mankind forward, and I’m no exception. With a pale gleam in my eyes, I keep imagining greater things, more affluence, finer luxuries or longer travels than I’ve seen so far. Hope dies last, they say, don’t they?
Yet this thinking is also keeping one’s soul down on earth. Why is it so hard to appreciate every moment for what it is? Like seeing everything for the first time? No, I’m not wishing I got amnesia, but for another kind of sight, smell, hearing and perceiving.
Remind me to take this thought with me on my next walk, will you? It’ll be lovely.